"My highlight is probably finally being here, it's just so nice after years of preparation to final be at the finish line; to actually know what we were working towards. Another thing that's been really nice is finally knowing what I'm going to do with my gap year, at least for the most part. Working for my Aunt Rebecah, doing YWAM, looking at universities...I just have a clearer plan, which is nice. The only problem is that means I have to realize that in May, I'll be leaving." I turned to the wall, hiding my face from the others around the dinner table. I look over at Sydney whose playing beside the table, smiling up at me. "It's hard because I really want to a part of..." I cover my eyes with my hands, and stop, unable to continue. I pull my hand away, wet. "I just really want Sydney to remember me, I want to be part of her life." Now tears are just pouring down my cheeks, and as I look over, Shannon's checks are also wet. "It's hard because she's so young and she probably won't remember me. And yeah, I am going to try and visit, but it's not...." I can't go on. "She'll remember you, when kids have big life changing events when they're young they usually remember something. I remember when I moved when I was 3." I nodded, "Yeah, that's true.... And I am going to try and see you whenever you guys are in the states, no matter where ya'll are at. If you guys end up staying here, then when I visit my family, I can also visit you. Leaving and having to say goodbye to Sydney is definitely my lowlight."
This is my predicament for all of Sydney's life, I've lived in the same city. I met her as a sweet red-headed newborn, a day after she'd been born, in the hospital. I held her in my arms the second day of her life and I've held her for many after. For the first 10 months of her life, I would watch her whenever and as much as they needed me to, which wasn't very much. I was still a part of her life, able to get to her with a 15 minute drive. Then, our families moved. I watched her 4 days a week and saw her everyday, all day, as she only had to crawl and then later on walk, across a hallway to get my house. Then, our families moved once again, this time to Congo. It was a big transition on many front, instead of being 3 steps from each other, we are now a 10 minute walk. Our commute is now 10 x longer than it was in France. But I also saw another transition happening, somewhat undetected during our larger transition, I saw Sydney transition from baby to toddler. It had already started happening even before I realized it, but as I saw her running around the airports while waiting for flights, I knew it had happened. We've been through quite a few big transitions. But we won't always go through transitions together. We won't always live in the same city. I have to go university at some point, live on my own and get a job. I won't always be able to touch that beautiful, round, toddler face. I won't always be able to mess with her spunky, red curls, that I promise she gets from me. I won't always be able to get an extra-tight squeeze and a sweet kiss from my little Fraggle. And that breaks my heart. Honestly, it breaks my heart. I love her with all my heart, no matter what. I want you to know that, Sydney. Someday, when you can read, I'll show you this, so you can know how much your Nounou loves you. I will always be here for you whether or not we live in the same city. I will always be ready to Skype or message you. I will always want to give you advice on things that you're struggling with. I love you, my darling. You will always be my Sydney Fraggle and I will always be your Nounou.
This is very beautifuly written, Nancy. It was extremely touching.
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ReplyDeleteI feel it. It also made me remember how attached I was to a baby girl, Rose, when I was a senior in high school. I lived in and babysat her while her mother worked nights. I went to highs school in the morning and cared for her after school on through the evening. I wrote a poem then about watching her grow from 3 months to 4, etc. etc. I loved her. The circumstances ended abruptly, when the mother decided to allow a guy to also stay nights at the house and was trying to match-make me with him. I felt compelled to resign. I did not have the privilege of contact with the little one after that. Perhaps when I was busy in college, had a real boyfriend, married and had my own infants, the pain eased.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words, Naomi!!! I hope things are going well for you in New York!!! We should catch up soon!! Grandma, that sounds very much like what I'm going through. I do hope though that the end of my time living in the same city as Sydney will not end in such a strange, weird way.
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